slight nausea

I haven't used orgo in a while. In fact, I haven't even looked at orgo in a while. Well, that's a lie - I passed off my orgo books & molecule set to Natalie. Well, I definitely haven't given orgo much thought. Except for tonight. I had the same slightly nauseous feeling in my stomach that I had before every single orgo exam.

It's a feeling of unpreparedness. Or inevitable torture [by completely be-fuddling sushi rxns. what was that japanese sounding rxn? soshimoto? hm. i sound very ethnically un-sensitive. perhaps.] It's a feeling of i-should-have-done-more-to-prepare-when-i-could-have-because-now-i'm-gonna-face-a-dreadful-death [in a non-morbid way].

And it's true ... I am unprepared. I've forgotten much of my spanish. I don't know where anything is. I don't know anything about the family I'll be living with. I don't know where to get the best food. I don't know the sketchy places to avoid. I don't know my class schedule yet. I don't know how small [or large] my room is. I don't know what my school looks like. I don't know where I'll go to church. I don't know what internet is like. Ahhhhh. I realize, there are many many things I don't know. And there always will be.

But, at the same time ... I am prepared. God has opened all the necessary doors for me to go to Mexico City again, and to be there for a longer short period of time [short, meaning less than a year ... longer, meaning more than a week or two] - which is exactly what I asked of Him. I am not defined by those who love me or know me - whether they be my friends, my neighbors, or my family; I am identified as a child of God. By golly [is that from Peanuts?!], I'm a daughter of the Most High King !!! I may have great dreams of going to some exotic [well ... different] foreign country and seeing multitudes [or just a few] come to know Christ and follow Him ... but ultimately, I'll still fail. I always [perhaps an optimist would say "often"] do. And that's okay. I may fail. In fact, I will fail, at some point or another. But Jesus is a victor, and He's already claimed victory. And I claim that victory in Him. Which is not to say that His righteousness is nullified by my failures, instead ... I can see that I will consistently, inevitably fail when I rely on myself [which happens ... quite a bit]. But I have complete freedom when I rely on Him.

Hm. Sometimes I wonder if what I think and say is too fluffy. But it's real reality. I believe it's truth. I just may not understand it [and definitely not live it] quite as well as I think I do. But hey, I expect that God's gonna teach me a lot about relying on Him this semester. Here's to a semester [and life, in general] full of challenges, struggles, hardwork, and also expanded understandings, new knowledge, and perhaps a slightly clearer view of who God is.

My sister's right ... blogging is therapeutic for me. I warn you now, I tend to blog more when I'm a somewhat negative emotion, rather than a somewhat positive one. But, I'll try to blog consistently.